Oh Valentines…

14 Feb

I do so wish I could give you a grand post on the meaning of Valentine’s Day, or the quintessential “I have love in my life” message that may grace others’ bountiful blogs this evening. What I have for you is a report, I guess… trying to keep track and make sense of finding my way as a dominant woman.

First, on Sunday I already told you boy2 and I took a walk around the lake. Wow did I enjoy that. When I mentioned interludes, I meant we had some very nice pauses during our walk for kissing. Wow is he a good kisser. I could kiss. him. for.ever.  …YUM.

Then Monday, boy4 returned home from  his business trip and I took the afternoon off of work. It was nice, but not all that relaxing. He was trying oh-so-hard and the vanillaness of our interaction – while it sort of used to enamour me – made me sort of wilt. 

See,  each of us in our histories has something in it that reveals who we used to be (which of course in turn leads us to who we are). boy4 for me exactly. equates. what I wanted – for years, more than a decade for sure – and what I always thought I would have. The kind of boy you want to bring home to Mom when you grow up in a rural community, in the midwest, surrounded by farms and churches.

((now what I think they were exactly DOING on those farms and in those churches is a whole other post… but I digress…))

But, it’s the perception. You get it. He has the looks, the job, the demeanor, the lineage… of someone I would’ve brought home to Mom 20 years ago. And while I can’t say (at all, certainly in pursuit of finding my way was a dominant woman) that that’s what I want TODAY… there is a little teensy weensy part of me who mourns the loss of that dream. Just like I mourned the loss of my marriage by divorce and like I mourned the loss of Whitney Houston this week. Ok, well almost like that.

So time with boy2 was anti-climatic at best. It was all sweet and traditional and ooohhs and aahhhs… and at the end it made me just feel “eh”.

Which leads to the balance of the week. I meet boy5 tomorrow. We’ve exchanged two dozen emails over the past couple of weeks and he seems promising. We talked today for the first time on the telephone. I’m happy to report he’s not a wheezer (another story for another time). He seems sweet, is new to the lifestyle and we’ll see what we can get done together. 😀

On Thursday is wine night with boy2. Gosh I’m liking boy2. I’ll spill: I really hope boy2 works out. That we might find a balance and it’ll be good. Really good, for both of us.

Slowly But Surely

12 Feb


I’ve had another wine night last week and took a walk around the lake today with boy2. My I do like him so.

Conversation flows so easily, and he’s polite without being sickening, and he’s really sexy as all hell.

What I don’t know exactly what to do with is him TELLING me he would be okay with/like me  to be more aggressive… and him ACTING not-exactly-interested. I suspect he has some anxiety that is coming through fairly strongly. I can’t put my finger on it, exactly… but I think I’m getting used to the idea of starting a conversation with him about it.

It’s ah-mazing to me how individual we are. And how the search for a partner like crafting a gormet meal… over months. Potentially, anyway. Wow.

Yeah, so he’s one where we laid it ALL out there on our first date. talked about every kink and and exploration of D/s that pretty much I knew about. That was probably my first mistake. Should’ve held something back, huh? He sort of freaked out and then went pretty vanilla on me. We’ve continued to see each other, but his initial freak out – even a month ago – is fresh. And I pretty much like him well-enough that I’m willing to go at a previously-untrialed-snail’s-pace… to see where it may lead.

Today it lead around a lake and I was happy about that. It was a beautiful, sunshiney day and the interludes were lovely. 🙂

The Boys Are All Coy

7 Feb

Hmmmm… I’m a little perplexed at the boys that I have in my ‘arena’, so to speak, and how f’ing COY they’ve been.

  • boy1 (who chickened out and cancelled twice), texted me during the Superbowl. When I engaged then and also reached out yesterday… nuthin. Grrrrrrr.
  • boy2 – we had a date Saturday night. Our fifth date, perhaps. The first four were wine nights. He wants to be taken but has a very difficult time saying so. I’m afraid he’ll be suffocated by his vanilla-ness.
  • boy3 – we have not met yet. We had several days of hot texts Wednesday – Saturday noon and nada since. Really?
  • boy4 – oh, boy4. We have dated casually for a year now. He doesn’t know I found his username on a submissives-looking-for-dommes website (I have to do some research to remember where). He’s only ever been totally vanilla with me thus far. He has availability and commitment issues in the vanilla realm, I’m not ready to address him otherwise.

So, there you have it. You’ll find as I write more about every day life that it’s very obvious that I juggle boys. “Attention Whore”  is how I put it before I believe.

Searching for a boy is a very frustrating pursuit today.

Well How Do You Like That?

6 Feb

I was coming out here this morning to crab about the technical difficulties of blogging and instead I find a fantastic shout out by paltego… very nice. Thank you.

This is what I will say about technical difficulties and the timing of blog posts. I’ve had two longer-ish posts ready and then 1. the formating went whack on me (I think I have to put that one in a new ‘page’ anyway) and 2. I managed to delete a large portion of it just as I was about to post and the auto-save feature quickly caught the shortened version.

Now let me be clear… I do not think these technical difficulties belong to wordpress… I believe it’s just me, getting used to the ins and outs of blogging. However, due to circumstances of life, when something goes ‘wrong’, I do not (begrudgingly) always have time to re-do or fix it like or when I would like.

Safety and There Is No Third Try

1 Feb

And it was not meant to be with this boy.

It makes me sad, however, “whatever will be will be” I believe is the phrase I need to coin.

We got to mid-morning again and he had been uncharacteristically quiet (again). Never a good sign. We finally texted a bit, and it became clear that our playtime was not going to happen (at least without incident). He was skiddish and making excuses. Our time came and went, I came home and opened a bottle of wine. I vascilated between letting it go and calling him on it. I called him a couple of times, got a text he was on the phone w work, then I called back a little while later and left a message.

I told him that I didn’t understand what on earth could have kept him from our playtime today. That his evasiveness was not appreciated and I had no idea what could be wrong. I told him as much as it pained me, there would be third try. First try (cancelled), shame on him. Second try (cancelled), shame on me. No third try. I ended the message by very tactfully asking him to please have the balls to call me back and tell me what the hell was going on in his (upper) head.

Amazingly enough, he called me a couple of hours later. He muddled his way through more excuses and trying to figure out (I think) for himself what he was thinking. Finally what I got out of him was when I had asked him to leave me a key at the front desk, he pictured me coming in with some swat of people who would then know he was submissive.


Oooooooooooooookay. Back up. YOU”VE done this before, boy. ******I****** have not! Then he babbled on quite a bit about how I asked for information about him… you know, his name.

Hoooooold on. Okay, so that was a month ago. At our first “meet” he asked, if it would please me, if I wanted to go somewhere more private. I said nonono… let me explain my safety rules. And I proceeded to tell him about my rules: name, address, (eventually) work and independently-varifiable internet information (linkedin, facebook). I explained it was fine with me however long it would take, and that I would never ask him to be more vulnerable than me in this area… that he needed to feel safe, etc. too. And, I emphasized there were no hard feelings if he didn’t want to provide such information but that then I wouldn’t be interested. My rules had kept me safe thus far in the big bad world of internet dating and that I would continue them onward. He eventually (sometime that following week) provided his name, everything else fell into place and I thought we were over it.

Apparently not.

So anyway, we talked some more. It became increasingly clear to me that although he had done this before, it had been a couple of years and there was something in him that had changed. I told him it appeared to me he was no longer ready. I pointed out to him that it clearly wasn’t about information or me or anything of the sort… it was about him. And he needed to figure that out for himself, becuase he deserved that.

And then I proceeded… (this felt soooooo naughty but wow did it feel good)… I proceeded to tell him my plan for our playtime tonight. I numerated each endeavor and goal and plan I had had for him that evening. He groaned (appropriately so) and mummbled his curses to the sweet-sex-gods-that-may-have-been that he had been such an ass. He apologized, said he was sorry. I told him yeah, me too, and to take care.

OhMy What A Frenzied Few Days

31 Jan

The weekend and first two days of work this week have been jam-packed-full. Sometimes I’m dizzy from all there is to do. No wonder I’d like to hole-up and just read blogs and write and text my boy and watch videos, etc.

Speaking of my boy? Oh, why yes… thank you for asking. I actually was able to see him today which was a treat. He had to run an errand that went right by my work, so he stopped to pick me up on his way home and we spent 15 minutes sitting in a park by my work.

I surprise myself at my ability to go “in and out” of Domme (is that what you call that?) so easily. Today, there was an adjustment period. For me, I was so truly excited to see him I was a little giddy. I had to let that out, ask about his day, inquire about the errand because he had told me about it and it was important. Then, when we got to the park and I gave him two simple directions on how to enter the lot and park… it was game over.

Leaning over his truck’s console toward him, I asked if he missed me. “Yes, Princess,” breathed from his lips like a freakin prayer. I nuzzled him, used his face to caress mine. I kissed him softly and felt his lips oh-so-plyable beneath mine. He was looking at me, several points of my hair, face, cleavage but seemed focused on my lips. I told him “speak freely, what are you thinking about right now.” And he said that he was hoping I would enjoy using him tomorrow (as we have another play date set up). I questioned him, “really? …and what does that thought do to your body?” He said it made his body “grow” (he really does chose interesting words sometimes). And in glancing down, I indeed saw that his erection was already straining against his pants.

I pressed (because it’s fun). And comeon, I had my 542 on (my favorite lip color). “You’re not thinking about how my beautiful red lips are going to look around my cock?” …and his intake of breath was palletable, and striking. Oh, how his sounds move me. Damn that’s going to get me in all kinds of trouble. “I’ve told you how much I enjoy sucking cock, haven’t I, pet?” Another damn intake of breath. I was almost worried he was going to burst if he didn’t let some out soon. He was obedient with another ‘Yes, Princess’, or three, as I asked him a series of questions about whether he had touched himself, reminding him that he was not allowed to without permission and defining what touching himself was and was not.

This was all complete with demonstration, which was – in and of itself – freaking amazing. Moving his hand underneath, beside and atop his cock… feeling his cock through his own hand, into mine…::deephowlingbreath::… wowzas.

Oh, all this and he ANTICIPATED! ANTICIPATED I tell you! loveLoveLOVE when my boy anticipates! He brought me his completed Kink List in preface of our playdate tomorrow. He of course gave me his commentary as to why it was good for him to do so. I promptly reminded him that was for me to decide.He knew I was both pleased and that I had shown him his place, with yet one more, “Yes, Princess.” Then I yanked it out of his hands and told him to drive me back to work.


What’s A Whore

27 Jan

In addition to being an attention-whore, I may as well cop to being a stimulation-whore… and for all intensive purposes probably a sex-whore. Now, to me “whore” means: “I can not get enough.” It does NOT mean I sleep with everyone, anyone or that I’m promiscuous or immoral. But I loooooooove sex and usually am in some sort of plan of how I’m going to my next dose.

An update on my boy. Things on Wednesday ended very poorly. We were wrapping up the day by text like we usually do. He called me by my given name, said it had been a very long day and then signed off the text with HIS given name!!! Atrocity I tell you! He hadn’t called either of us by our given names for a month. Uuuuugh. You can imagine how far down my stomach fell and I much I thought it all was basically for not. I did not think it would ressurrect.

Yesterday (Thursday) morning, I waited for his goodmorning text, which has not become a rule yet but has certainly been regular and I’ve expressed my appreciation for. It did not come. I thought, well that’s it. What I needed to do was share my concern for him, apologize without apologizing (because I really didn’t feel as though I needed to apologize, but I DO think he needed to see my compassion for his previous tough day).

So I sent him a text mid-morning that referred to the previous day without talking about it, inquired about his state, and I called him by his given name. I couldn’t force him back into sub yet I wanted him there. Well, all that worry for nothing because naturally as anything he answered my question, called me Princess and all was right with the world again.

And I told him so. Oh, how I loved hearing my name drip from his lips. I called him by the pet name I have for him (that deserves a post all it’s own), and we were again in balance. We said we would (and we did) talk several times yesterday and it was all. good. I had wine with a friend last night, so we didn’t have a proper goodnight. He did ask me for release, but I said no, I wanted him to wait for me.

And now this morning, we just got off the phone, each having orgasmed. Quite beautifully. He makes such a sweet sweet sound when he cums. Could easily become a hearing-him-cum-whore as well.

I Had A Bad Day Yesterday

26 Jan

It’s amazing the emotional toll a sensually-charged, domme-primed, unactualized day can take on a girl.

We talked last night. I pressed about the timing of his emergency. He was offended. I explained that if I have had experiences that lead me to leaning toward unbelief… then I needed him to go with me there, and then to come back together with me if we were to be. I told him I regretted if my questioning hurt him, but that it was necessary.

I know I’ve read several different ways that showing a certain level of weakness or vulnerability or “non-domme-like behavior” can kill the D/s element. I don’t know if that’s what happened, but I would not be surprised because I was certainly feeling exposed and abandoned. Truly I wondered – and yes, worried – if he had not liked my instruction, if he had changed his mind about being attracted to me, if he decided he didn’t want to embark on what can be thought of I’m sure as a unique relationship. Maybe my worry was that it was nothing more complicated him turning out to be a wanker (time waster).

Or, his car broke down. And today he’ll still be pissed at me for questioning him on it.

Nothing Like Some Self-Pity Gay Porn

25 Jan


There’s my gift to any of you tonight who need either some cheer-up, or want to get all hot-and-bothered. Dual purpose.


25 Jan


So. I had fully-intended to be in full-on cuddling mode by now with the boy. Him experiencing post-orgasmic highs hopefully and grand degrees of subspace float… and me the amazing mistress-highs.

But I’m not.

I’m home, on my third glass of merlot waiting on a single batch of ghirardelli double chocolate brownies.

I called him around 2:30 this afternoon and gave him his instructions for when we got to the hotel. We hung up with a sweet “see you later”. He called me back at 4:15 (fifteen minutes before I was going to leave the office, a half hour before we were supposed to meet), saying his truck had broken down on the highway.

Very unfortunate, right?


I HATE having to distinguish whether or not people are lying. It’s the worst. thing. ever. as far as I’m concerned. And of COURSE it could very-well be that he wasn’t lying. But I am either the unluckiest person I know or the timing is HUGELY unusually suspect. I just don’t believe it. I don’t know where I went wrong, or where he freaked out, but at any rate… it did not happen.

I’m very unsure what path or course I’ll take from here… tonight… with him or in general. My gut hasn’t done me too badly thus far, so I’ll come up with what to say or not say once/if I hear from him this evening. As far as in general, I will choose to have hope that I’ll find what I need… to give him what he needs… someday.