I do so wish I could give you a grand post on the meaning of Valentine’s Day, or the quintessential “I have love in my life” message that may grace others’ bountiful blogs this evening. What I have for you is a report, I guess… trying to keep track and make sense of finding my way as a dominant woman.
First, on Sunday I already told you boy2 and I took a walk around the lake. Wow did I enjoy that. When I mentioned interludes, I meant we had some very nice pauses during our walk for kissing. Wow is he a good kisser. I could kiss. him. for.ever. …YUM.
Then Monday, boy4 returned home from his business trip and I took the afternoon off of work. It was nice, but not all that relaxing. He was trying oh-so-hard and the vanillaness of our interaction – while it sort of used to enamour me – made me sort of wilt.
See, each of us in our histories has something in it that reveals who we used to be (which of course in turn leads us to who we are). boy4 for me exactly. equates. what I wanted – for years, more than a decade for sure – and what I always thought I would have. The kind of boy you want to bring home to Mom when you grow up in a rural community, in the midwest, surrounded by farms and churches.
((now what I think they were exactly DOING on those farms and in those churches is a whole other post… but I digress…))
But, it’s the perception. You get it. He has the looks, the job, the demeanor, the lineage… of someone I would’ve brought home to Mom 20 years ago. And while I can’t say (at all, certainly in pursuit of finding my way was a dominant woman) that that’s what I want TODAY… there is a little teensy weensy part of me who mourns the loss of that dream. Just like I mourned the loss of my marriage by divorce and like I mourned the loss of Whitney Houston this week. Ok, well almost like that.
So time with boy2 was anti-climatic at best. It was all sweet and traditional and ooohhs and aahhhs… and at the end it made me just feel “eh”.
Which leads to the balance of the week. I meet boy5 tomorrow. We’ve exchanged two dozen emails over the past couple of weeks and he seems promising. We talked today for the first time on the telephone. I’m happy to report he’s not a wheezer (another story for another time). He seems sweet, is new to the lifestyle and we’ll see what we can get done together. 😀
On Thursday is wine night with boy2. Gosh I’m liking boy2. I’ll spill: I really hope boy2 works out. That we might find a balance and it’ll be good. Really good, for both of us.